How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Musica — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 05:53:56 GMT

I'll just say here: I'm sorry if I hurt anybody's feelings... On other sites I mean, here this one's my only post, and I'll read the other comments to learn more...

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

kindjoe — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 18:06:59 GMT

yes ... it really comes down to good and bad ..right and wrong. Judging someone to good is equally as dangerous as judging them to be bad...who really has the perfect reference??? Several comments touch on sincerity which champions most occasions....as does the truth.. which can be painful but if deliverd from a caring or loving source will lead to growth. MLK put it best "who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice"

People choose to be offended .... and it usually stems from insecurity and ego .. a litlle humility and genuine sense of respect for anothers perspective will allow you to discern the value of a criticism from the emotion and possibly grow from it. Tact is valuble but political correctness is usually counterproductive...AS my german grandfather put it " You can either be honest or polite, but rarely both." I rely on on genuine friends to tell me the truth about my character, who would want a mirror that that doesnt reveal your flaws????

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Mr.AK — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 12:53:41 GMT

My trusty 'formula' for these situations:

1. Find SOMETHING genuinely 'right' about what they did, and ACKNOWLEDGE them for it. - ANYTHING, but it must be GENUINE.

2. Give them an instruction or make a request that they can succeed at.

3. ACKNOWLEDGE them when they do so.

4. Repeat the cycle as many times as necessary.

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

4Hand Healthy — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 01:58:46 GMT

Honesty mixed with tact and compassion is the better policy!

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Yod — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 01:01:20 GMT

I've spent my whole life trying to undo the effects of my mother's relentless condemnation and criticizing. My dad helped too with his sporadic rages. My dad's mellowed out after more than half a century, but my mom is even worse. After all the communication and conflict resolution workshops and classes I've been to, she causes a major panic in me that is so bad I can't stand it. Well, onward through the fog, as they say.

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Duparc — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 23:55:01 GMT

My wife, whom I love to bits, and whom I care about deeply, is almost incapable of saying anything without it being a criticism; it's part of the contract that comes with a love that's blest with 'chemistry' but it's the hard part and at times it can be very difficult. In support of her, she has had a life of trauma, having been rejected by her parents and placed in a children's home aged two (and etc, etc) and having been a battered wife who suffered the trauma of losing her own children and having had two previous disasterous marriages she is obviously anger with herself and the world at large. We met 8 years ago when she was a very ill woman and together we have got her back to good health and improved her in many ways but to get her to understand this element of criticism in her manner of speech especially when she thinks she is being helpful, is indeed, very challenging! Slowly, I think I am winning the battle but it has not been without its moments! I think I am going to show her this article but when I do I will be ready to duck but, I still love her to bits even though she is driving me potty!

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

alm260 — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 21:15:41 GMT

Because so many people grow up in dysfunctional families and don't feel loved, they basically walk around feeling very insecure about themselves. I've noticed it in people I've had to lovingly confront with truth. They do everything from be defensive to shifting the blame to others. Because of this, I've had to really learn to pick my battles as mentioned above.

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Signe Nichols — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:56:36 GMT

Good information. I really like it when people give me feedback in a non-threatening way. I believe anyone striving to improve themselves welcomes feedback and good solid constructive criticism. Yet, I have to admit how it's said makes such a tremendous difference! I think when others just start telling another person how it should be and how they should do something without first getting permission or even creating a relationship, it is very offensive. For speaking, I have really benefited from a good toastmasters group - everyone in my group is very conscious of giving good feedback both good and bad. I have learned from that group more than just better speaking skills but also good feedback/criticism skills.

Good stuff to know

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

kkellyg — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 18:44:12 GMT

I have found Sharon Ellison's book, Taking the War Out of Your Words to be one of the best books on communicating in a non-defensive way. One of her approaches would be to ask the person some questions to understand your own assumptions before criticizing. And she would not call it criticizing. She would then say that you make a position statement where you tell the other person how what they have said or done has impacted you ("When you said xxxx, it made me feel xxxx and then xxxx"). Just a couple of thoughts on this very interesting topic. Also, stating opinion as fact is something that is done so much - that makes criticsm even worse. I have learned to use the words "in my opinion", so that I am clearly making my own statement and not making it fact for everyone else.

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

12PStreet — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 16:08:47 GMT

Thanks for the article. Some of these are good reminders. There are times when criticism is mandated and having experienced my share of mandatory performance appraisals in my more than a few years in the work force - I can say that this approach would be far more well received by me than some reviews I've listened to. Honestly though, I think the "smile" advice is a little touchy, and should be based on the weight of the situation. It would be worse to hear criticism accompanied by an insincere, inappropriate smile - it wouldn't ring true for the listener. I believe it is always best to make it about the "behavior or action" and not about the person. Not sure about adding positive comments either at the beginning or the end, sounds like sugar coating and a little manipulative, short and to the point would be my preference.

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Paradox — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 09:48:10 GMT

This advice is stupid and simplistic (as well as badly written). The most successful way to offer criticism is to make sure you stick to a discussion of the ACTION rather than the PERSON. Example: "This piece has some grammatical errors" rather than "You wrote this piece badly."

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Alias — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 04:46:42 GMT

People are people the only reason you should critisize someone is so they wont stuff up again and do something even more stupid, So why not make it as polite as possible? hey my friend, you know that was really stupid, but trust me it's an easy mistake... etc go into a lecture because the worst thing for a person to do is sit by and let someone talk kindly about something stupid they did. So what if they do it again, well if you are their employer, fire them! this time if not the first time, but if you are their equal you can either ignore it or remind them again but in the end what is your time worth? do you want to waste time you could use for better puposes on someone who wont listen? This is not to say don't waste your time on people but dont waste your time on stupid people

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

hollytree — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 02:27:30 GMT

Although I agree with the spirit of the article, I have to say that I have worked with people who employ these tactics, and the tactics are so transparent to anyone who has ever given any thought to this, that they backfire. My colleagues and I have come to recognise the smile that comes just before the carefully worded and tactful criticism, the praise which means that a criticism will soon follow, etc, etc. Not sure what the best thing to do is..............

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Bridestein — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 14:05:02 GMT

- "In life we often need to criticize the actions of others, yet at the same time it can be a daunting task." -
Why do we need to criticize the actions of others? I know that a lot of people seem to feel it's necessary for their health or something.
IMO, a big part of the problem these days is that everybody spends too much time judging everyone else.

re: How to Criticize People Without Causing Offense

Sheila C — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 13:52:19 GMT

And sometimes, the truth hurts, so get over it.