How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

rsj — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 20:52:46 GMT

The problem comes when the other person sees through what you're doing and nails what's really going on. To pick up on the same example: "So you been feeling sad and disappointed all this time and not told me, and now you're telling me I'm making you sick. Why didn't you tell me about this before? If you were so sad, how come you didn't show it? What did I do to make you so angry? You think a relationship is all about getting what YOU want. So you're dumping me. Good riddance, selfish ^*(@&*!"

Which of course means that it succeeded in getting rid of the lover, so the primary purpose was fulfilled. But for the secondary purpose, making it a non-blame statement, it is a dismal failure.

Sorry - no one's taken in by that any more.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Vee.M — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 17:30:41 GMT

Any suggestions on how you actually finish the sentence when you are dealing with someone who starts to talk over you a soon as you open your mouth ? Vee

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Blughk — Sat, 31 May 2008 12:03:08 GMT

Sheesh! Angelica. "Emotional Vampire", You could have just told me face to face without telling the whole world you big blabbermouth. I won't call you anymore then. No big deal. Emotional Vampire sounds like you've been listening to too much GOTH music.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Loki — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 00:07:46 GMT

This works only assuming you're dealing with a rational person.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Mary Anne — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 09:22:55 GMT

note to Angelica: pay more attention to your own feelings and needs. "I don't want to." You are not on earth to sacrifice yourself, irritate yourself, make yourself sick over someone who probably was attracted to you because she senses that you have a weakness regarding pleasing other people at the expense of your own sanity, and your desire to be a "nice" person, at the expense of not being an HONEST person. And, get this, she probably doesn't appreciate you, she is taking advantage. Consider that she may be one of those people who have little to give and will try to get as much as she can. There are many such people, and our job is to recognize them and protect ourselves from harm. If you do enjoy her company sometimes, then see her sometimes. awhen it is convenient for YOU not her. Remember, YOU are # 1. Your job in life is to take care of yourself, not her. She is not taking care of herself, and that is not your problem, it is her problem. BE selfish(care for yourself.) You do not need this weight around your neck. Make yourself happy, it is not your responsibility to make her happy. Quit feeling sorry for her. You are a kind person, be kind to yourself FIRST.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Upgeya_203 — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:31:00 GMT

You might be interested in Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, which explores these issues to an even greater degree. You can find his books on amazon, and the method is explained on the website of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, and elsewhere.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Alro — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 23:29:45 GMT

oh!!I almost forgot. one of the most important things of all time. Mostly addressed to men when dealing with their female significant others etc. CRYING SHOULD BE IGNORED!!!! (assuming you are not being a jerk etc. but rather just explaining your perspective). Most people freak out when someone starts crying and progress effectively ends. I grab my girlfriend a tissue and let her cry and gently continue - just because someone is crying does NOT mean you are doing something wrong. She cries - so what? as she states, that is just something that happens when she discusses emotional issues.

Most people, especially men, freak out when woman starts crying. they either get angry or leave or agree just to stop the crying. most people will suddenly lose their perspective and do whatever it takes to stop the crying. if crying happens every single time serious discussions occur, eventually the other party will become angry when it happens. But its not the criers fault!!! (assuming they are real tears). its just something that happens. my GF's father would get very angry with her and they had problems communicating for decades. on a recent trip to visit her parents, she called and was very upset - usual family fighting etc. but her father was reacting like a typical man. So I told her to march over to her father and look him dead in the eye and explain to him to promise to ignore the crying and that it was something natural and that she couldnt help it and it was to be ignored!! she called me back 20 minutes later after the "miracle" connection with her father. Once she made it clear crying just happened, he no longer felt that it was his "fault" and no longer resented her for trying to make him feel guilty. I believe thats why most people get angry in that situation. I guess I should mention I also had her strap on a gun and holster before their second talk ; ) (sorry, I can only restrain the smartass gene for so long)

Cheerio! : )

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Alro — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 23:20:08 GMT

I find it useful to always have a gun in a holster - people tend to argue less. ; )

Actually, I use the feedback "sandwich" described above and I pay very very close attention to what I say and the look on my face as well as the vibe I am projecting. Its always a "well, gee, I guess this is the impact it is having on me.......this is how it makes me feel.....I kinda feel ______" I avoid "this makes me or you make me (as stated previously) and go with "I get ______ as a result". But you MUST always encourage the other person to vent as well and be positive when a critical revelation is brought forth even if you dont like it. But thank them for opening up. That will shock some because they are expecting a defensive reponse from most people. I always say understanding things like "you can't help how you feel" (my motto with regard to relationships). and I am quick to point out that most things are not "good" or "bad" but just preferences or ways of communicating. very few people lay in bed every morning before they start the day and plot to make others' lives miserable. (I do but thats just because I don't like following the heard) ; )

I find if you listen and identify with someone's issues, even if they have a beef with you, they relax and defenses lower and you can actually get somewhere.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Angelica_LA — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:37:58 GMT

This article is interesting. I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with a person who is an emotional vampire? I have an acquaintance who appears to be very lonely, and is continually inviting me to join her for various activities: tea, workouts at the same gym, etc. I can't stand her! She annoys the heck out of me, and I don't want to participate in any activity with her. I don't know how to tell her to leave me alone without hurting her feelings - if that is possible.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Mercola Fan — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:22:25 GMT

Truda..that link is blank.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

Kerry A. — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 11:53:13 GMT

There is a technique called 'The Feedback Sandwich' in which you give a positive, a negative, and another positive comment. You first make a genuine and supportive statement - e.g. "You covered a lot of really useful information in your presentation today" followed by the softened criticism "Because you were nervous, you spoke a little too fast. When this happens people have trouble digesting what you are saying, so next time really work on slowing your speech down" and finish with another positive such as, "We all gained some new and useful information from you today. You've clearly put a lot of effort into it. Well done." AND if you really needed to press the criticism, you could then add, "Just remember next time... slow it down."

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

EQ — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 04:42:56 GMT

This article is so timely for me. I've got a business/friendship situation that I've been trying to communicate in a way that will not stir up an argument. I will definitely use the pointers on what my body is saying. Very interesting.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

shaneperrone — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 20:16:50 GMT

I always find it useful to sugar coat criticism because people take it
either well or go nuts, last thing i want is someone on a rampage :P

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

SpartyOn — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 18:01:54 GMT

I use these same techniques when I negotiate union contracts. While bargaining is traditionally adversarial, most people are open to resolving issues when you focus on the issues and not the personalities.

re: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

CSR — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:29:06 GMT

After watching numerous researchers bash others during their talks (and having had that happen to me myself), I learned a new technique of speaking critically. Always begin with a complement--a genuine one (e.g. "I find your research findings very exciting."). This effectively sets the person at ease and puts you on par with them. It also ensures that you have the person's attention and they will consider the feedback you are about to give. Then, you follow that with your criticism, in the way that Mary described in her post. ("I may have misunderstood, but it seems that you....but perhaps it would be better to..."). I find that speakers are far less defensive and more willing to discuss the topic when this tactic is used. I also appreciate a lot more as a speaker myself.