20 Ways to Attack Shyness

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Laysee — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 17:11:32 GMT

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I started a new job a few months ago. The office is surrounded by interesting stores and restaurants. It took me 2 weeks to get up the courage to go buy a pretzel. It took a few weeks after that for me to go to the drugstore, and about a week later I could finally make it to the food court. I'm still working on the clothing store, and I also have to work on not looking spaced-out and self-conscious when I go shopping.

Lately, in peer situations, I just act outgoing. That helps.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

cowdung — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 05:16:14 GMT

Some of these suggestions my help . If you have a real case of social anxiety disorder like I had for 40 years much of it was utter miseries, you could profit from a therapist that understands social anxiety disorder. Many therapists are not and you could be frustrated. Actually it is an easy condition to treat. Mainly thru what is called cognitive behavior therapy. Medication might help in conjunction with therapy. I would recommend checking out a website devoted to social anxiety disorder and get accurate information . One that I know of is www.socialanxietysupport.com, There are others.

If you tried these others suggestions and they don't really work try the resources I mentioned and don't just go to any therapists. Their are still horror stories about people seeking help from inapropiate therapists.

After more than 40 years of frustrations pretty much gave up then when I saw a therapist about something unrelated he mentioned I had social anxiety disorder ( there was not a diagnosis for this till the mid 1990's). That was 90% of the therapy and I no longer harbored deep shame. I was much more at ease and began to acquire social skills even though I was 56 years old. I have been married and had three kids that didn't cure the symptoms. I was greatly underemployed and had hardly any social life beyond my immediate family. When I was in college I gave a speech at a National convention about a paper I did. That did not cure the symptoms. It was not enough in my case to have courage.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Elizabeth Hensley — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:09:20 GMT

Like the other person who commented above I had undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. Can't read or respond to facial expressions & feel uncomfortable making eye contact. Can't modulate the pitch of my voice very well. have sensory issues others don't understand and sometimes have melt downs I can't control. ( Found avoiding MSG seems to help. Hides under 30 different names ). I tend to end up on the bottom of the social pecking order for this reason. I didn't even figure out what I was until I was 49 years old despite knowing part of it; that I am face blind. Decades of social disasters have indeed made me shy. Not over critical just facing reality so much of the advice above is worthless to us. I tried to take online cognitive therapy and it was ridiculous. It was trying to make me pretend there was no problem when there really was one. "Don't leave uncomfortable situations?" What do you do when you are asked to leave as I have been several times? Accept rejection? After a while if that is all you do get it's time to avoid rejection. School was Hell because I could not get away. I was a trapped animal being tortured. Counselors would give self esteem damaging advice like, "The reason people don't like you, is you are rude. If you would quit being rude they would like you." That's like telling a dyslexic child, "The reason you don't read well is you don't read well. If you read well you would read well." I got denied badly needed medical care including for sleep apnea for decades because my weirdness made doctors think I was crazy or retarded. I think its harder for females to have this than males because we are supposed to be interested in make up & better at reading people which we can't do. Plus mental health "experts" don't thinks to look for it in females. I know several females who should probably be diagnosed with it. They are missing catching it in females. By the way the person above who forgets to breath should probably be checked for central sleep apnea.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Kreative Keira — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:44:10 GMT

I live in the land of shy people: Japan. If shyness was a real disease almost everyone would be sick.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

paragonx — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 06:39:10 GMT

Start drinking - that always helps.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

webwitch6 — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 05:21:48 GMT

I am extremely shy, even worse than when I was a child. I cannot eat in restaurants, and I absolutely refuse to be in situations where there are a lot of people. (sporting events, bars, malls)

After being ridiculed for years about my phobia or super shyness, I decided that I am a bit different than other people, and what exactly is wrong with that? I have tried all the "cures", yet somehow I go back to my comfortable cave in the woods with my pets and my husband and I am happy.

YES- I have worked many many jobs, with people (!) and at the end of the day I was mentally exhausted by faking my enthusiasm at trying to be "normal." I work at home now. See a few people when I go to town or the market, and I am OK with that.

I applaud those that seek change and are happy with the "new" person they become. Maybe someday I will feel the need to change and become an outgoing person. Until that day comes I will continue being comfortable being me, an introvert who is extremely shy.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

puppylove_3 — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 03:31:48 GMT

I have been terribly shy all my life. I turn bright red all the time. I had finally just become scared i would turn red and thinking about it would make me turn red! I cant stand to be where I am still around people. Where i cannot get away. Like for example I cannot pay for food or things at the grocery store because I cannot get away. I am obligated to stay there and finish paying etc. So this makes me start to have a panic attack. My parents have never cared about anything I have had to say. As a matter of fact to this day when i talk my dad cuts me off. My grandparents even cut me off! They tell me to shut my mouth if i try to contribute to a conversation! I love my parents but it really has made me think that nothing I have to say matters or what i feel and such doesn't matter. I am so glad i read this article and the things that everyone has said here because I really think I can apply this to my life and change. I suppose it will just take time but this has really helped me. TY to everyone. :)

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Beating-Drum — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 00:02:23 GMT

What an interesting topic! I was very blessed in my upbringing and had a Godmother/Aunt who used to refer to me as "the flower of the flock". There are so many really helpful replies and some interesting links to look up. I always consider my role in life to be to discover who I am and BE it. I have found AWARENESS by Anthony de Mello quite marvellous and THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle equally so. I have lotsa Gems on the subject and one of them starts off by: I love myself the way I am, There's nothing I need to change, I'll always be the perfect me, There's nothing I need to re-arrrange etc and then goes on to say that I still want to grow, and that others are exactly the same despite their shouts and screams. It is quite lovely and emphasises the CONNECTIONS that are between us and how we can use all life experiences for growth. Being responsible for our actions/ feelings and saying goodbye to blaming others for how WE are. Knowing that our natural state is one of Peace and we don't have to go outside of ourselves to LOOK for it. And finally, always remembering that we have a CHOICE about how we respond to situations. The Event doesn't cause the problem but our response/thoughts about it DO. I just loved all the answers which seemed to come from a loving place. As always LOVE is the answer and it is an Art which practice makes perfect. My last recommendation is THE ART OF LOVING by Erich Fromm which I came across at a party and when I mentioned that I spent the whole time at the party reading it, someone said: "It doesn't say much for the party" I replied: "but it does say wonders for the book". I never thought I would say anything near 2000 words but, once started, I realise that I could go on and on and on.........

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

MarceeR — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:39:05 GMT

I was an extreemly shy kid. My family life was great. I went to a school where the kids were nice but I was afraid to talk to them. I literally would not talk to or go up to anyone young or old. I did miss out. What helped me was a comment that happened to hit the mark for me. My sister told me I was equal to everyone, (God Bless her). I had been told that all my life, but that was the time it sunk in. I was 14. From that moment on I started coming out of my shell. I started to change. No one treated me different. My family and friends have always excepted and loved me. I was just shy. I choose to loosen up. I have moments now of shyness. But find learning more about a subject or asking questiions, or just accepting that feeling and choosing to move forward anyway has opened my life to so many opportunities. I have also learned to be compassionate towards those individuals that I recognize as shy. I point shy kids out to my kids and we include them in our games. I don't see it as an disease but an opportunity to develope into the individual that I have become. My individual experiences that make me who I am. I choose to use it to make me better. If you want to help someone who is shy, try telling them they are ok. Ultimately it is what helped me. Who knows it may just help. And yes, maturity has taught me that you can't make everyone happy. People will always judge. Some may not even like who I am. But, I can choose to be happy anyway. I choose to get my feet wet, regardless if anybody snickers at me or laughs with me. The hard part is to ignore the snickers and enjoy the laughs. I realize now that when I am feeling particualry shy, I hear the snickers even if they are not there. When I am confident I hear the laughter. It can be a battle to this day. But sometimes I have to stop looking to others for approval (or excuses) and just tell myself it will be ok. I've used EFT with some success too.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Lex Luthor — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:51:53 GMT

Absolutely wonderful tips! What really caught my eyes were:

2. "Turn Self Consciousness into Self Awareness". This might just be the foundation stone for the battle against shyness. Watch out for your ego, boys and girls!

5. "Don’t Conform." This tip speaks to me more than any other because, as an immigrant, most of my anxiety came from trying to conform in order to be accepted. It's only much later that I learned that what people really wanted from me was not that I become like them, but to see if I can be their friend!

7. "Release Anxiety through Breath." So true! I do it every time I'm tired at work and it gets me feeling fresh again.

11. "Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation." I am never capable of knowing excactly how to deal with an uncomfortable situation unless I've already experienced it "head-on" before.

12. "Accept Rejection." This advice (and others in this article) take root from #2. Accepting rejection comes naturally once you let go of your ego. I used to always blame others or myself for rejecting me. Just blamed. Blaming is not a word in the dictionary of change. You can't change if you keep blaming.

I just want to slightly disagree with #19 "Focus on the moment." Not because it's not a good advice but because I don't like the word "focus". Focusing is straining your eyes and mind on this and that. I prefer to say "Be in the present moment."

I also want to add a quote from Life Strategies because I feel it's relevant to shyness: "There is no reality; only perception. Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it."

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

CEM — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:19:18 GMT

Shyness is a manifestation of fear all right - fight-or-flight fear to be exact.

I was painfully shy as a kid and recently learned I have severe electrosensitivities - an emerging environmental illness. Essentially, my shyness was a result of manmade electromagnetic and microwave/radiowave radiation 'signaling' me to be in fear mode.

I'm not shy today though - today, instead, the concentrations of EMF/RF in the environment are triggering fight mode in me instead of flight.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Lex Luthor — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 20:33:49 GMT

I think shyness comes from poor upbringing.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

papamaui — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:03:01 GMT

From my perspective, shyness is simply a "stress symptom". Thus, it's a "heart" issue, not a "mind" issue. While "mind exercises" can be helpful in overcoming shyness, the greatest help for shyness comes as we tackle the "heart issues". OK., exactly what is the leading "heart issue"? Again, from my perspective, our greatest challenge is "What in the world to do with our anger?" I've asked hundreds of people this question: If you could choose to be born with one feeling, which would it be?" ... and the answer has always been "HAPPY" or "GLAD. Then I ask, is that enough? The answer I hear is "Yes!". Then I ask, "What then would you do at a funeral ... smile or laugh?" Their answer, "Well, guess I better be born with two feelings, anger and sadness." "That's right ... then I ask, What then would you do if you found yourself on top of the wall overlooking the Grand Canyon and you wanted to go swimming?" "Most people answer, "Guess I better be born with a little FEAR too!" "Right! Is that enough?" The answer I most often hear is "Yes! Then I ask, "What would you do if you were walking with your spouse and kids in the forest and a bear jumped out? You can't outrun a bear! But, if you were born with the ability to get really angry and let that adrenalin flow, you could fight the bear, and like David in the Old Testament, you could kill that bear, and save your flock". The whole point is, there's a reason for each emotion we feel and our challenge is to accept all our feelings and learn to express each in the right way. A shy person is one who has difficulty accepting their anger and thus difficulty in expressing it appropriately. I've written a free, online book you can download, "Stress Reduction Through Honesty in Communication"

(www.papamaui.com/steps1.htm) ... it's helped a lot of people overcome a lot of different stress symptoms! Aloha from Hawaii.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

Martienne — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:22:56 GMT

Being a mom who's struggling with Asperger's, I can honestly say that #2 is not always right. I have been told many times that I'm weird or strange when I've tried to socialize, so I know people are looking at me. Now, at 36 years old, I've learned to pretend to be normal by keeping my mouth shut in public so no one knows different. I've been going to the same church for over 5 years, I've "hung out" with the people there all this time, and I can honestly say that not one single person there really knows me. I think it's better that way. Self confidence? Whatever. I have to function in society which means conforming at times. Sure, at home I'm happily my quirky self, and all of my good friends are quirky, too. As far as social anxiety, the only thing that has worked for me so far is caffeine. Although I do have to closely watch my breathing, because I tend to either hold my breath or breathe shallow.

re: 20 Ways to Attack Shyness

saffronsun — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:36:49 GMT

I agree - "attacking shyness"??? I have personally taken workshops with the author of "The Highly Sensitive Person", Elaine Aaron. I highly recommend reading it as a way to understand that high sensitivity has a place in this world & should not be pathologized. (not speaking about debilitating shyness). Check out the website: http://www.hsperson.com