By Dr. Mercola
Americans consume 50 percent of all drugs sold globally and 80 percent of the global opioid supply.1 An estimated 60 percent of patients taking opioid painkillers are also taking other drugs that may be hazardous in combination with opioids — a fact that plays a significant part in the current drug overdose epidemic.
Prescription opioids are killing people at an unprecedented rate, outpacing both car accidents and gun violence combined.
Illicit drug use has also risen as a result, and despite growing opioid use, heroin dealers are outperforming Big Pharma in drug deliveries — so much so the industry is now taking a page from the street vendors' sales manual.
FixBit to Revolutionize Medicine
"Optimizing delivery to capitalize on rapid-delivery needs is a priority," Evan Adsevil, senior analyst for Umbrella Capital, a Phoenix-based drug innovation firm said in an April 1, 2016, letter sent to senior management and shareholders.
"Last year, 300 million pain prescriptions were written, but an estimated 15 percent remained unfilled," Adsevil said. According to an Umbrella Capital patient poll, 79 percent of patients cite difficulty in accessing a pharmacy as a reason for failing to fill a prescription for opioids, resorting instead to curb-side delivery of heroin.
"Street dealers have a clear advantage from the standpoint of ease of access," Adsevil wrote, "and if we want to compete, we have to do better." This and subsequent shareholder correspondence expose Adsevil as the main brainchild of a new drug access program bound to raise more than a few eyebrows.
Using the latest fitness band, medical monitoring and automated drone delivery technologies, Umbrella Capital is now expanding its services by launching the first-ever, self-monitored and automated drug delivery system — an unprecedented drug access program that will undoubtedly revolutionize the entire medical industry.
The premise is simple. A GPS-enabled FixBit fitness band will continuously track your health status while worn, including pain. As pain signals or disgruntled moans are registered via built-in skin sensors and microphone, a personalized drug delivery by drone will be automatically ordered via Umbrella Capital.
Delivery is guaranteed within the hour. Technical documents reveal the program could be easily customized to serve the needs of just about any drug company that wishes to partner with Umbrella Capital.
If your cholesterol goes above a certain level, a cholesterol-lowering drug could be sent your way. Signs of depression, such as lethargy, lack of movement or crying would trigger a delivery of an antidepressant.
When confronted about potential misuse and abuse by minors and others besides the fitness band user, Adsevil noted the package would be dropped off within 10 feet of the GPS-enabled fitness band, and would be equipped with a security lock that will only open with the proper sensor identification.
Self-Monitoring — The Biggest Change in Medicine Since Penicillin
As noted by Umbrella Capital investor Bree Addictal in a recent corporate blog post, "self-monitoring drug-deficiencies via fitness bands is the biggest change in medicine since penicillin," adding the automated drone delivery service will "guarantee prescription drug use remains the No. 1 choice" among consumers.
It will also allow drug companies to expand their market without the extra advertising expense — a boon said to benefit users by reducing the cost of drugs sold via self-monitoring devices. For opioid users, this is a significant selling point, as heroin is typically less expensive.
The price cut may even force many street dealers out of business. At present, 72 percent of commercial breaks feature drug ads, and drug companies spend a combined $6.4 billion each year on direct-to-consumer advertising.2
With FixBit, specific drug ads will eventually become superfluous, since the appropriate drug can be delivered based on algorithms taking your moment-to-moment medical status into account.
At present, nearly 70 percent of Americans use at least one prescription medication,3 "leaving millions of Americans at risk of being drug deficient," Addictal said.
"Americans spend on average $1,000 on pharmaceuticals per year, leaving serious amounts of money in their bank accounts. It would indeed be foolish to neglect the power of instant gratification combined with automated door-to-door delivery and direct electronic payment transfers," he added.
Hottest Job Trends Make a Killing
Hospitals and morgues are expected to benefit greatly from the improved access program as well. Nationwide, there are just over 310,300 morgue keepers employed, with a median hourly wage of nearly $50.4
Umbrella Capital estimates their system would at least double the number of morgue keepers required within the first two years, providing a considerable boost to the economy by creating over 100,000 high-paying jobs while simultaneously eliminating an equal amount of people collecting welfare, social security, disability and worker's compensation.
As reported by The Washington Post,5 morgues in East Ohio are presently over capacity, necessitating the use of cold-storage trailers to handle the overflow of post-life service users.
In the 13 years between 2003 and 2015, opioid and heroin-related deaths in Ohio rose by 775 percent. Since last year, the influx of bodies in Stark County alone has increased by 20 percent, with no sign of letting up.
In 2016, the Stark County coroner's office processed about 500 post-life service recipients, one-fifth of which were drug-related.
Similar statistics are reported across the nation, and as the demand for opioids increases, so does the need for skilled coroners, morgue keepers, cremation workers, hearse carriage services, casket and urn makers, funeral directors and cemetery aides.
Stocks in companies such as Carriage Services Inc. shot up by 188 percent in 2013,6 and are still outperforming Apple and other blue-chip stocks.
"In all, FixBit will provide a tremendous boost to the economy," Umbrella Capital vice president Roger Fowl said in a 2016 report outlining projected increases in associated post-life services.
Blockbuster Drug Captures Resistant Users
As noted in the advertisement above, while opioid and heroin use has steadily increased, user productivity has remained stagnant. Other evidence, including premature post-life service use statistics, suggest productivity among users has measurably declined over the past several years.
The new drug, Heroin a.m., promises to reverse this trend, further boosting economic growth amid growing drug use. A recent stock report also projects Heroin a.m. will help capture resistant users by side-stepping some of the most common side effects of opioid and heroin use, such as early morning lethargy and mid-afternoon faceplants.
Through innovations such as FixBit, the pharmaceutical growth plan stands to make another leap, with estimates projecting annual drug prescriptions to jump from 4.2 billion7 to 8.5 billion in the first two years of its launch, with a vast majority of those prescriptions being opioid-related.
Happy April Fool's Day!
This piece is our annual April Fool's article. While written in jest, some of the details herein are indeed true. Real-world events are sometimes stranger than fiction, and the field of medicine is not immune to absurdity. Many relinquish common sense for the promise of a quick fix.
Those with eyes to see will have noticed the drug industry has been pulling "a fast one" on us for decades, making a world of FixBit wearers seem almost plausible. Humor can allow us to approach many a difficult truth, and few truths are as difficult as the current drug abuse epidemic, created and perpetuated by corporate greed and an addict-all mentality.
Together, with eyes firmly fixed on the goal of true health, may we ensure the world of FixBit remains a satiric nightmare rather than a drug exec's dream come true.