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Researchers suggest that the long-term
health of a marriage is rooted in a couple's level of love
and commitment as they say their "I do's."
A successful marriage is
one that has maintained a high level of affection right from
the start, where both partners behave as lovers and stay that
way.
The investigators found that couples who were happily together
13 years into their marriage had been deeply in love and in
tune with each other from the very beginning.
In contrast, those who were unhappily
married reported having a more negative and/or ambivalent
relationship toward each other when interviewed as newlyweds.
The investigators also point out that, whether good or bad,
the general tone of relationships did not change over time
-- with the exception that those who ultimately had a happy
marriage began to see their partner as having a less contrary
nature than they did when first were first married, whereas
spouses in the other categories did not change their views
of their partner's contrariness.
Couples who experienced friction at the very outset of a marriage
headed for the exits at a much quicker pace. The authors theorize
that these couples entered into marriage hoping that the simple
act of "tying the knot" would turn discord into
bliss -- only to leave the relationship when this proved futile.
The researchers conclude that partners who maintain long,
happy marriages carry between them a deep love, affection
and attachment -- feelings that first began during courtship.
Most people think that it's unresolved differences that undermine
marriages, but it's not that at all. It's the loss of the
bliss and the loss of the romance that's important, rather
than increasing problems or increasing conflicts.
Couples headed for the rockiest
road are those who had either an extremely long or extremely
short courtship prior to marriage.
Either they don't know each other very well -- they fell in
love too quickly and they have an unrealistic belief that
the romance will continue in the same way over time. Or it's
a long road to marriage, not because they are learning so
much about each other, but because they have real problems
in the relationship that they're trying to put aside in order
to marry. When they discover that marriage doesn't have any
magical properties they often quickly exit the relationship.
Current Directions in Psychological
Science August, 2001;10
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